Yikes! Not sure if I'm "comfortable"...

This weekend I went away to an exclusive girls weekend with some of the leaders within Isagenix. It was a leadership weekend full of training, empowerment, and just some good ol' girl time. What I experience this weekend was WAY more than I expected. Normally, I LOVE these weekends. I love hanging out with girlfriends, pouring so much love and gratitude into one another, but this weekend was different...I was different. 

This was the first time that I was away from the comfort of my own home overnight and for long periods of time since having cancer. Well, since noticeably having cancer...having no hair! When I'm around the house, I'll wear a baseball hat or even a little beanie because they're comfortable and to keep my little head warm. BUT I will often take them off and still feel very comfortable...because I'm at home.  

I was actually really anxious about this weekend. I wanted to make sure I was sharing a room with someone that I was "comfortable" with. Someone that I could feel comfortable with not wearing something on my head. I did and I'm so incredibly grateful for her...Trisha Farrow has been one of the biggest blessings that has come into my life in the past few years. She's one of my best friends and I don't know how I could have gotten through this weekend without her. 

One of the things we did this weekend was professional photos. Everyone was getting all dolled up, putting on cute clothes and looking FABULOUS! (Enter sweaty palms, tears and painful knots in my stomach). But I wasn't comfortable.

I didn't want to put on my wig because that's NOT ME...that's not what I look like...I feel fake in my wig. The girls there know that's not my hair. Even if it does look exactly like my real hair...it's still not my hair. I find myself putting my wig on to make other people feel comfortable - not me. I want to make it easier for others when having a conversation with me to not have a constant reminder that I have cancer, that I'm sick, or feel bad for me. I want to be normal and look normal so that other people treat me like normal. So...that's why I wear my wig. I want to blend in! But it's still NOT ME! 

And I didn't want to take photos with my bald head because....(enter the HUGE knot in my throat)...I didn't feel beautiful. I was telling myself some the most hurtful things the whole weekend. I would tell myself that I couldn't dance in the dance party because I didn't FEEL like a woman or because I didn't FEEL sexy. I told myself that people didn't want to take pictures with me because I was bald. Ahhhh....I cry as I sit here and write this because it's crazy how powerful your mind can be and how cruel we can be to yourself. We even did an exercise this weekend where we wrote down all the negative things we say to ourselves and we had to then say them OUT LOUD to a partner as if we were saying it about them. My partner, Gretchen and I cried when we said them out loud because it felt like poison coming out. I would say "Gretchen, nobody want to take pictures with you because you're not pretty anymore. Gretchen, now that you're not pretty on the outside...you're nothing. Gretchen, you better get super fit or else you're going to look pretty sad in a swimsuit this summer with no hair and THAT body." WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD WE SAY THESE THINGS TO OURSELVES?

Everyone told me all weekend how beautiful I looked...but the negative things you tell yourself CAN OVER POWER ANYTHING that anyone tells you. Your mind is one of the most powerful thing you have. Even those of us who always have a positive mind and often "oooz" positivity have negative thoughts and put ourselves down. Sometimes it's easier to lift others up and pour so much love into others than it is to say nice things to ourselves. Everyone that I coach I tell them,  "you must fill your own cup before you can pour into others, because you can't pour from an empty cup." 

So that's what I'm going to do...filling my cup needs to be a part of my daily routine. I've been doing personal development for years now, but I need to shift my personal development to fill the gaps in THIS experience. I might never feel "comfortable" with a bald head and I might never feel "as beautiful" as I did with hair, BUT I can work on the stories and the things that I say to myself. I can work on SELF LOVE! 

xoxo