Buzzzz....

I was sitting in my hotel room in Mexico on Tuesday, February 6th, the day after I found out that I had breast cancer. Yes, Paul and I went to Mexico the day after we found out. My doctor told me on Monday that I could either sit and stew in snowy Minnesota or try to enjoy the sunny beaches of Mexico while they developed a treatment plan. On Tuesday the day we arrived I called my doctor to see if they had any more results from the biopsy they had taken the day before. He said that he talked to my Oncologist (oh geez, the doctor the everyone hopes they never have), and her initial recommendation would be Chemo first....

The world around me went silent. Right there I knew it was serious. I was hoping that I could just have surgery. That they'd just take both of my breasts and it'd all be over with. Nope...right when I heard the word "chemotherapy" and automatically my mind went to "bald". RIGHT? Who's mind doesn't go to bald when they think of chemotherapy. It's the main side effect of chemotherapy and it's the most VISIBLE side effect and it SCREAMS "CANCER". 

Right there, I knew it was something I wouldn't be able to hide. Not from the world, but my initial thoughts were ONLY of my kids. I didn't want this to be something that they had to go through. I can't hide this from them. I'm their mom! How are they going to see their mom? How was I going to protect them? 

My second thought was of Paul. Now I will say this to anyone and everyone that I truly married the BEST man in the ENTIRE world. He truly is the most incredible, genuine, loving, caring, compassionate, trusting...I could go on forever. BUT how was he going to look at me? What was he going to think? Was he still going to be attracted to me when I'm bald? 

Now don't think I'm a saint because my first 2 thoughts were of others...I am a little vain. I LOVE my HAIR! Seriously. I believe it to be one of my best features! I loved having LONG brown hair. I loved wearing my hair in top knots, curling it on special occasions. Bottom line... I loved it! Who was I going to be without my hair? It sounds silly, but I felt like my hair is what made me feel most like a woman. And the other part that made me feel like a woman had nasty ass cancer growing in it. (BLEHHH!).

THOSE were my initial thoughts. Truly, my first thoughts that went through my head when I heard the word "chemo". I didn't think about poison going through my veins killing the healthy and cancer cells in my body. I didn't think about being sick or not being able to take care of my kids. I thought about HAIR. 

My doctor told me that it's pretty much guaranteed that everyone loses their hair between days 14 and 16. WHAT? Seriously? How is it that predictable? But the majority of people start on drugs called A/C and it's pretty spot on that after your second treatment is when your hair falls out. Well, I was starting on a different drug called Taxol and for some reason I was able to keep my hair a bit longer than normal, but I was preparing myself to lose it. 

My third treatment was on day 14 and every day after that I would shower and just wait for the strands to start falling out, but those little buggers held on until my fifth treatment. :) Then it started to fall out more rapidly. I had A LOT of hair though and it was very thick so I think that's what made it last longer. I had a full head of hair until my sixth treatment and that's when it started to really bother me. Every time I touched my hair it would come out in gobs so I wore my hair in a baseball hat to stop myself from touching it and to prevent it from flying all over the house. I told myself that I wanted one nice family photo on Easter and then I'd buzz it.

It was Easter Sunday and we went to church with my in-laws. We came home and had lunch and I called my sister, Wendy and told her that it's time. I needed to buzz my head. She wasn't ready. I didn't know if I was ready. I think for so many THAT is when it becomes real. That is when you can't deny what's going on. That is when it becomes visible to everyone. 

So we decided to make it fun! We had a buzz party in my master bathroom. I went first and started to buzz on side of my head, like the cool side buzz look. Then I took it right down the middle and handed it over to the boys! YES! We let the boys buzz my head and now the shaver is locked up until their 14 so they don't shave their sisters head in the middle of the night. (ha ha ha) They had a great time! Reed even said "Hey Mom! Now you look like me." :) The boys had a lot of fun, but Lyla wasn't so sure. She shaved a bit of it but I think she was struggling with it more than I thought she would. She came in a few times very hesitant to come near me. She stuck pretty close to grandma while we were shaving it. When we were all done shaving it, we picked up all the hair in the bathroom and I showered off all the little pieces of hair. NOW I understand why guys don't mind showering everyday...IT'S SO EASY!! Seriously, 1 pump of shampoo...no conditioner. Boom, you're done! 

It was weird, it was almost like an out of body experience. It didn't bother me! I didn't really mind the buzz look. I guess I could still SEE myself. Maybe I was okay with the buzz look because I knew it was going to get worse. I knew that eventually I'd have NOTHING so a buzz look was better than that. I don't know. I'm not sure why I wasn't bothered by the buzz.

That night, I crawled in bed with Lyla and she scooted away from me. Ouch! That hurt. I might not mind the buzz cut, but if definitely was bothering her more than I expected. We talked about it before we buzzed it. I told her 3 things about my diagnosis (Thank you to my teacher sister, Wendy).

1) Mom has breast cancer. My dad died from cancer in March 2017 and I wanted Lyla to know that "cancer" doesn't always mean that someone is going to die. And if she ever asked “is that what Papa had?” I can say “No!”

2) Mom is going to be more tired. I'm not going to feel well some days. But it's because the doctors are giving me medicine that's going to make me really sick before it makes me better. 

3) Mom is going to look different. I'm going to cut my hair and then eventually I'm not going to have any hair at all. But I'm still your mom! 

The last one is the biggest one for sure. She would say things like "mom, I don't like your hair", "mom, can you put a hat on?", or "mom, can you wear big earrings and lipstick?" Now, I'm a pretty strong person and I have developed some thick skin over the years, but nothing prepares you for this. It was hurtful only because she was honest. She didn't like my hair cut...to be honest, that is what made me not like it. I was sitting on the floor in my closet the next morning trying to find something to wear that would make me feel beautiful and make me feel like a girl...unfortunately, I didn't have much pink or floral in my closet. Lyla came in and sat down with me. I started to cry...I told her "I know you don't like my hair and you know what honey, I don't really like it either...But I don't have a choice. It's all going to fall out. So I just have to make the best of it." That little girl of mine started to cry too and rubbed my back. She said "it's okay mom, you're still pretty." 

Okay, maybe we are doing okay.